Here’s a fun news flash for you: We (literally all of us) are terrible at dating. If you can find me one person who is good at showing up to a bar and exchanging get-to-know-you small talk with a stranger for 1.5 hours while laughing the exact correct amount and at places in the conversation where it makes sense 100% of the time, then I will show you an alien invader from another galaxy who is trying to live among us but didn’t do enough research. There’s no doubt about it—we are all trash bags when it comes to dating. BUT. Don’t you want to know what brand of trash bag you are? Because, as it turns out, we have the technology. Here, your worst dating style, based on your Myers-Briggs personality type.
I can, nay, must harness the power of the Myers-Briggs to scry your exact dating style based on your MBTI. I know what you’re thinking: I’m too special. There’s no way you can tell my extremely specific dating style based on my Myers-Briggs type! But I’ve been down in my laboratory doing all sorts of personality test sciences, and only now do I emerge with my results. And I hate to break it to you but they are 100%, empirically accurate. It’s a done deal. I’ve done all the hard, gristly labor down in the Personality Mines, and now all you have to do is scroll down and see what your deal is! The good news is no type’s dating flaws are impossible to change, except INTJ’s! Just kidding, INTJs, you know I love you. Read on to know how you ruin dates, you sweet attractive date ruiner, you!
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ENTJ
Look, it’s not your fault you’ve got a competitive side! What probably is your fault, though, is managing to find your date’s board games closet early on in the relationship and crushing them so far into the dust at Monopoly that they no longer are able to consider you a sexual prospect.
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INFP
You confound people by being Soft and Sensitive while also fighting like a deranged coyote against any sort of entanglements. You’re either ready to elope or ready to just run away on your own at any time. Not sure if you know this, but “Let me be free but also don’t let me go!” might be considered a mixed message.
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ENFP
Every date you’ve ever had has been your Absolute Soulmate because, turns out, it’s much easier to discover the five things about a person that are FANTASTIC than the 10 things that are annoying or tiresome or conflict with your schedule. Ah well, on to the next One!
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ISTJ
Arriving with a bulleted list of Relationship Objectives to accomplish might be a bit intimidating to some folks. Perhaps consider that not every human interaction requires a five-year plan.
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INTP
You’re constantly showing up late to dates because you got distracted by an artsy documentary about bees you found on Netflix. And even when you finally show up, you’re still preoccupied about the bees and get called emotionally unavailable.
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ESFJ
Things go really well until a couple of months in when you realize you’re the only reason they’ve made it to any event/function/dentist appointment, and you’ve become the legal guardian of their houseplants and pets. You might want to consider cutting down on your emotional labor or at least start sending invoices for it.
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INFJ
Sure, the person you’re kind of seeing is cute and nice and smells good, but they only hit five out of the eight criteria on your list of necessary personality traits. And it would just be sloppy of you to overlook that.
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ISFP
You might not make the biggest first impression, but it’s just because you’re busy running a mental inventory on all the blankets in your home and wondering how many you could physically wrap around yourself at once the second you get home. Who could blame you?
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ENTP
Congrats! You’re a great partner! Until the impulse to drive across the country or apply for an artist residency in France or burn all your credit cards and live in an abandoned bus in the woods kicks in and you totally blank on the fact that you were seeing someone until the next calendar year.
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ESTP
Your date likes you fine, but you, more or less, immediately wear them out with Fun Date Activities. Trying to cram in a hot air balloon ride, mime classes and an Ocean’s 11-style jewel heist into one night might seem romantic—but it’s also just the teensiest bit exhausting.
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ISTP
You suffer some basic breakdowns in communication. You thought “date” meant they would shut up and let you talk about a book on the history of celebrity animals you just read, but now they want to talk about feelings or something? Like, they don’t understand how important these archival images of dogs on unicycles are???
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ESTJ
Congrats, you took it too serious. What did you take too serious? Whether it was discussing whose family to spend Christmas with on date three or just really leaning into explaining the correct way to parallel park, you might just wanna chillll.
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ENFJ
You’re extremely trusting, which isn’t bad! It usually inspires people to be trusting in return! But there is a limit on that, and you probably shouldn’t keep offering to co-sign a lease for someone on a second date.
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ESFP
Your date runs out of steam after having to scale the side of a building to retrieve you after a comedic bit goes wrong. Don’t worry though—it was a really good bit and definitely worth the fire department being called. It’s just that your date has to go lie down now.
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ISFJ
You’ve noticed your love interest has been a bit cold to you lately, but, in their defense, you guys have never actually spoken before. I know your regimen of smiling and almost making eye contact when you ride the elevator together, plus wearing blue a lot (which you think is their favorite color because they wear blue a lot), seems bulletproof—but you might have to actually exchange words at some point.
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INTJ
Look, you’ve gotta stop responding to simple questions about yourself as if you are under a full FBI inquisition. The conversation might flow better if someone doesn’t have to reach for a crowbar to pry even the smallest details out of you. When your date asks you what you like to do in your free time, they’re not actually looking for a means to destroy you—you can just tell them!
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